Happy Birthday!

It’s your mom making a home made birthday cake, it’s your dad’s off tune singing, it’s unwrapping gifts and giggling with friends. The home made movies that you find that you smile at. Those are the memories I wish I had for my birthdays.

For the first 10 yrs of my life my birthdays were like that, the house filled with family and friends. Mom’s home made lemon filled cake. Some home made videos, but mostly pictures. Then after my 11th birthday I kind of didn’t want to make a big deal. I just went about my day pretending to be happy and stuff but all I wanted was to curl in bed and pray to god that my birth parents would show up.

That’s the thing about being adopted. No matter how much you love the family you have, when your birthday comes, well at least for me, it’s just a reminder that my real mom and dad didn’t want me and that’s why I’m so alone in the world. This year especially. I’m not with someone who I want to spend my life with, I have to work, and well its 2020… the year sucks. I wish I could go back in time to when I was younger and I at least had family and friends make a huge deal about it.

I just don’t want tomorrow to come… I fake being happy enough… I can’t dare not be happy on my birthday…

Hello there, Dearie,

It has been such a long time since I have “written” and since then I will admit… my life has been doing better. I won’t say all the way better since I am still sitting in my childhood bedroom praying for a way out, but it’s better as in I get to kiss him and I pray one day he will be mine again. But till then, I’ll give you a little update on life.

Let’s start at the top, the virus, still sucks like always. I won’t say it hasn’t done damaged to the store I work at but I will say that sales are… well different. I could sale a mask to you with in seconds of you looking at them. You want one that has adjustable ears and the metal on the nose, how about this you can also put a filter in them, go for Puppie Love brand masks. Vera Bradely is very light and loose on the face can put a filter in it as well, but the nose and ears aren’t so adjustable. But don’t let that stop you dear, they have cute designs. You want one that shows off your football team, we got you covered there too. But just to be clear no filter will go in them.

Yes, I would say business has been different. We sell more masks, baby stuff, and wedding gifts than we do normal stuff. But these are normal times. I think I worry more about what kind of stuff is going to happen in the next 5 minutes than what happens in the future. I also think I have drank more alcohol than I probably have in college… well actually no… probably more than I have after college after being left on read. Oh talking about that, guess who decided to finally message me 3 years later. But thats for different time when I finally unravel all my ex’s. For right now… lets stick with the positive.

I have gotten almost two raises in the first two months that I’ve worked at my new job and that says more than I have at the old job I had that which… is going under unfortunately. I feel bad for all my old coworkers that I loved so dearly which is at the moment only two. One who is someone I call my best friend, and the other actually no they are both my best friends. Work days are getting tough since the Holiday Season is upon us and all I want is to be back home but I can’t right now till he really wants me home but for now I am just hoping by Christmas I’m curled up in his lap and looking at our Christmas Tree together. Otherwise I am definitely taking my Tree home/to the shed because I can’t handle this.

But I am back with the writing/typing stuff for now just because this is how I get my thoughts clear out of my head and out where I can see it. To those who read it, Hello, welcome back, to those who just scan it Welcome to the end of my ted talk.

They don’t really care.

(This is MY side of how I feel about this situation. Please do not argue with me or talk down on me for what I say.)

I got told that when you are little, barely even born to figure out the world, you body recognizes your parents touch… it recognizes when it never touches it. Your body remembers that pain, and that hurt. Now I know this doesn’t make a lot of sense because for a lot of you… you have your birth parents. You had that first touch, that first “I’ll never let anything bad happen to you” kiss from your mom. For me… I was adopted.

My birth mom knew the moment I was in her stomach, that she didn’t/couldn’t have me. So for 9 months I was a burden to her. I was just a reminder of something that happened to her that she could take back but can’t. She didn’t abort me which means she had a little bit of a soul/heart in her. But for 9 months I was the one thing she didn’t want.

Growing up every year on my birthday all I wanted was to have my birth parents call me and explain why they did what they did to me. But I never got it. Growing up I never really got held by my adoptive mother, who did have a lot of health problems but she was more of a hard love type mother less hug and kisses mother. So you can see how that can fuck up a child when she becomes an adult and don’t know how to take hugs n kisses. My sister was 9 years older than me and didn’t really like me once i started talking I guess, she always made me feel unwanted and every time I tried to show how much I loved her and wanted to be with her, she pushed me away. I don’t have those great bonding moments with her like everyone else does with their siblings. I think it’s because we aren’t blood related. Growing up where my room was my escape and my stuffed animals were my only friends, I learned at a young age that I wasn’t really welcomed in this messed up world.

I fight every day to fight the urge to just give up living, but I realize that one day… I’m going to give up; and no one will really care.

Things I need to Change

WARNING!!! THIS GETS PERSONAL!

There are things that everyone needs to do in their life… there are a lot of things that people need to change about themselves. But here’s there the thing, you don’t want to change yourself so much that you don’t recognized yourself in the mirror, but you want to change so you see a better you in the mirror.

For me there are many things I need to change. For starters:

  • I need to be more body positive
  • I need to be more optimistic and positive thinking
  • I need to believe in myself more
  • I need to be more happy with who I am

Now recently I have realized and been told that I have some other bad traits that I need to change about myself. And I just want to be clear, I am not putting these on a blog/web to just get attention or to just say I’m going to change and then don’t. I am putting these out here because I need to type/say it out loud for me to really realize what my flaws are, and what I really need to change. So here are the more deeper things that I need to change:

  • Trusting someone
  • Not letting people mess with my head
    • to affect my behavior
    • to affect how I am around other people
  • To not let things get the best of me
    • to be able to talk and not get emotional about what is being said
    • to be able to just say whats on my mind and try not to hurt the other but not worry about hurting them because I don’t want to be hurt.
  • To not be so jealous when there is clearly nothing to be jealous for
    • to not read between lines
    • to trust who I am with
    • to believe in my gut feelings and not trust what my eyes see

Now that list is the hardest for me to talk about or really even go into detail because I was raised to just sit and listen and then change to make that person, that boss, that significant other, that friend to like you… and that is for another time/blog. But I am one of those people that just… care all the time about what others have to either say about me, or what they think about me. I just want to belong because I have spent to much of my life trying to be this like able person instead of being me. But I mean like for a short period of time I was a person I didn’t even recognize in the mirror. I just wanted all the attention and if I didn’t have it I was miserable. More on that in a different blog, but this is about how I want to change and become a stronger better person. Because I am trying to not just show others, but prove to myself that I am not that pathetic girl anymore. I am not that sad depressed girl anymore. I don’t need a person to make me happy. (Do they help, yes. But I do not rely on my friends or significant others for my happiness. Again more of that later). I just want to be a better person for myself, and not for someone else. There are traits that I have just gained from toxic friendships/relationships, there are traits that I picked up from I guess myself over the years. I just want to be a better person to look at in the mirror at the end of the day. I don’t want to look back in the mirror at the end of the day and realized I was someone I don’t know, or that I said something that I regret. I want to live my life to the fullest and just be able to have fun and just share my happiness and love with everyone else. I don’t want to be this scared, anxious, depressed girl. It is not who I am.