Tag: Memories

Say Yes,

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Every girl dreams of the day they get asked that important question in life. Every girl dreams it will be romantic and everything they wished. But in my experience, it has happened twice before I hit 21 and none of them were romantic.

The first time I got asked “Will you marry me” I was a sophomore in high school and I was dating that bad boy from your since class. You know, the one who was emo and hot and maybe was going to be in class that day. The one you wore eyeliner for and made sure you stayed up and listened to all his favorite bands that he names on his Myspace page. (wow I just dated myself there). That was; lets call him for irony, bad boy. Bad boy was a year older than me, had a messed up family life, but played the cello in our school orchestra so I had an in on my parents with him. Of course when we first met it was in science class and I was just a pathetic girl who fell for that bad boy look but the way I won his attention wasn’t my appearance, I believe it was me dissecting a frog with no gloves and having a pathetic popular boy wear about 12 gloves and faint when I cut the poor frog open. The bad boy first was boycotting cutting open the frog I think, but I remember him throwing a tongue at me later. We became friends and then later I was on his top 5 Myspace best friends and then later we were making out on my locker. I know a lot of people will think “you did this to piss off your parents” oh on the contrare. I broke up with him because my mom didn’t like him. Then acouple weeks later I found out a friend of mine was going after him and I just couldn’t have that and I confessed my feelings and well we started seeing each other in secrete. The friend I’m going to call her Ice Cream Body because well, she reminds me of an Ice Cream cone, well she threaten to tell my parents but what she didn’t know was my parents thought I moved on with a good church going guy so they didn’t believe her or her “proof”. The night he asked me to marry him was like any other day. It was in the fall, and my high school best friend was over for the night after play practice and we were going to go downtown and meet the boys at McDonalds. We had an amazing time and then we went to the park near my house and I should have figured something was up because bad boy and I were left on the swings along and all I kind of remember was him asking “do you know what I have been playing with this ring all night” and the high school me played dumb but I figured it was coming the second I saw it on him. Then he asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. I said yes and wore the ring for months until I came to my senses and said “I can’t marry a guy that I’m hiding from my family”. To this day bad boy is still on my Facebook friend list but we aren’t as close as we use to be in high school.

Now the second time I got the question popped to me, was a very scary part in my life. I don’t remember much about it I just remember I knew if I said no, he would hit me. The next guy I think I want to call him oh I don’t even know he was so bad… child I guess is a good name for him or atleast a decent name for him. He was again a year older than me and he was in my math class when I was a freshmen in high school… I guess he crushed on me since then and I ignored his prescense till Senior year when I was just… messed up I guess. I was going through so much with my first love break up that I just wanted to feel something. Child and I’s relationship can be described as horrible, manipulative, abuse. He had to make sure that I wouldn’t leave him and if I did he would make my life hell. We fought so much, and he would call me all the names in the book one day, the next he would buy me gifts and apologize and love me. I was so broken and really had no friends that I just went with it. I listened to him, I took the abuse, and I believed that I was happy with who I saw in the mirror. I didn’t talk to my friends at all, I only talked to his friends and his family. I lied to my parents about who I was hanging out with and where I was staying all the time. I lied constantly to myself that I could even love him. The night he proposed I think we were drinking, or something or maybe it was just a good week and I didn’t want to jinx it and make him made. He asked me one night when we were falling asleep and I knew if I said no that I would be trapped in his house, in his bedroom and I might not make it to my parents house again so I said yes just to escape. Even when I moved to college and gave him the ring back thinking that he would have no power over me when I moved away, I had no idea that he would still have all the power over me. He made sure that I knew that he would always take care of me, that he loved me. He would call me when he knew I had a test or a huge project and keep me up by having him or his friends call me constantly. He made sure that he would post old photos of us and make sure he tagged me in them. I was always his love and when I came home from college and finally got my own car my twisted head I had to show him first. To say that he still doesn’t have a hold over me would be a lie, but I do know he does not have a say in my life.

The next time I say “yes” to someone I want to make sure I am ready. I want to make sure he is not doing it to control my life and I want to make sure I am doing it because I am happy and not to piss off people in my life. I know there is one person in my life right now that if he asked me tomorrow I would say yes because he makes me happy. I just want to make sure that its all for the right reasons that I say yes.

Irish Green

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You read the title, you’re expecting some kind of story about how Ireland. Well sorry to burst your bubble but it is about my favorite color!

Irish green or Irish flag green is a shade of spring green. Sometimes called shamrock green, it’s slightly greener with less blue tones than the color named shamrock green. It’s the green of the Irish flag. The national flag of the Republic of Ireland is a tricolor flag of green, white and orange.

Now I am not saying that I have always loved Irish Green as my favorite color, because looking back at my childhood and a good portion of middle school, I was a Baby Blue Sky kind of girl. (Yes, a typical girly color) But then when my grandpa started living with us during the summer after my grams passed away, I started liking Irish Green. It meant to me that I was closer to my grandpa when he was down in Tennessee with my Aunt and Uncle for the fall & winter time. He would tell me stories of Ireland, he would take me to the local Irish store in our town (still there! But sadly tourist have made them turn it a little more into a tourist type shop) and I got necklaces with Celtic symbols, and he would get his soft Irish sweaters from there! In August we would go to Irish Fest in Milwaukee and for once in my depressed middle school/high school years, I was happy. Grandpa would sit in a tent and watch performer after performer on the stage. I use to just want to go around by myself or with my cousin and just kind of do my own thing or sit by the water. But when I was older in High School, we use to watch the Irish Dancers, and try and dance along. Grandpa would clap and tell us we were doing great! We would go through the shops and look at all the different clothing, accessories, books, lifestyle in general! I started getting obsessed with the darker green, because I would see it and I would instantly think of grandpa and all the good times we had together. To this day I miss him dearly and wish he was here. I have an Celtic Angle in my car that watches over me and when ever I miss him or hope he hears me, I hold it.

I know this won’t be a popular blog, but hey, it’s my blog and I miss my grandpa a lot extra lately so I’m going to type something that makes me think of him. RIP Grandpa, I love you and miss you each day more and more. I’ll see you soon, one day!

Those Dark times

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Like I warned you in the beginning there are dark things that fall into my head.

It’s Friday night and normally I would be back at his house where I lived for a couple months and we would be having either date night or movie night. But instead this is the second Friday that I am in my old childhood room and alone in the world. He has his online friends and I have my teddy bear and YouTube videos. But this is the second week that I am home and it just doesn’t feel real to me. I keep waiting for the call saying come home please. I fear I will never hear it again, that I will never have him in my arms, and that I will never have his good night kisses. Tomorrow is another weekend with out his special crescent rolls with chocolate chips in it and bacon. My life is crumbling all around me and it seems like I am the only one that is hurting from everything that is going on.

Don’t get me wrong, I know that things have to change and get better between us. That if things go back to how they were before that we will never work out, but all I want is him… and I break my heart all over again just thinking about it. He has been in my life for 14 some years and its kind of just hard to just picture him not there anymore. I have gone through breakups where the guy was my best friend and then we date and then he breaks it up and I hurt. But this hurt.. this hurt is all different. It is deep, it makes me feel so little in this big world. My chest is heavy and its hard to breath some times. There are times when I just want to punish everyone who has done me wrong, and I want to show them that I am worth it, but I am to good of a person to just hurt the ones I care about and love. So I sit, I pray and I wish that things get better. I think its the first time in forever that I don’t want to chug a bottle of wine to numb the pain I hold inside. To me… that’s growth.

I use to have people that would spend hours and hours talking to me, that would do anything to make me smile! Give me gifts, spend hours on the phone with me, send me long text messages about how the feel about me. But with him, I just looked into his eyes and I knew… money and gifts can’t buy happiness, being there for each other and caring about one another… that brings happiness. I just wish I knew what I did wrong…

Memories

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I know it is not just me that is going through some tough times right now, and I am not talking about the virus that is going on right now. For me, my whole world just did a 180 turn, and I went from falling asleep next to the love of my life to falling asleep in my childhood bedroom. Now the whole why part… that is a mystery still unknown to me. All I do know is the LOML (love of my life) had a lot on his plate and put the stress of me being laid off and this virus not letting us go outside or places to escape things… he needed to IDK freak? Make drastic changes? Now don’t get me wrong we were just doing a sit com kind of same routine every day. But now that I am back in my old bedroom which means the memories come back like that Karen customer that just needs a hug from a father figure.

About four years ago, I made a drastic decision and I painted and redecorated my room. Growing up, my mom had one rule for our bedrooms, well actually two; 1. NO BOYS 2. No hanging things on the wall with out permission. I technically broke both those rules but my sister is the one who really broke the first rule. So when my sister moved out and I got to move into her room… I did one of those things that any normal girl would do. I put every photo I had of Orlando Bloom and Robert Pattinson and every kind of happy photos. Oh, and balloons! (Still to this day, I don’t know why my sister and I were so obsessed with hanging balloons.. and those frame things you can win at fairs.) Every inch of my bedroom wall was covered with memories and things that help me not feel so alone in the world.

(Actual photo of my room back in the day)

Now yes my mom hated that I did that, she was so upset but after I came home from college, I just knew it was time for an upgrade. So like any normal teenage would do, I texted my ex boyfriend told him what I wanted to do, and he helped get the supplies for me and then when my parents went on a trip to see my sister n her family for like a month or two, I took everything out of my room, and got to work. I painted over the walls that held the darkest times in my life, the happiest times in my life and the sadiest time of my life.

But now that I am back in the room that I tried so hard to get away from, every sad memory comes back. Now not just the high school memories, but everything after that. Every mirror selfie I took and how many people loved them. Every time I cried myself to sleep because of a boy. hell even now, I cry because of my LOML and the confusing time in our life right now.

I know that this is just a bump in the road but… unpacking my stuff back in the drawers that I couldn’t wait to empty it kind of hurts. Yes there are happy memories in my room but honestly… if these four walls could talk… oh boy would they have things to say! But that’s for a different time! For now, it’s time to lay down in my bed and remember all the memories and try to fall asleep.