Tag: love

XOXO,

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If you heard that one little girly voice in your head go “gossip girl” after reading XOXO then I am glad I got your attention.

Sometimes people come and go in your life and even if you hate to see it happen you know it happens. When I was in high school it was nothing like Gossip Girl, it was more like… One Tree Hill and Laguena Beach. I use to be part of a huge friend group, but one girl ruled us all. She made sure that she had a say in what others did and what others wore and who they dated. You would think she was the best friend of all but if you dare wore hoop earrings and parted your hair like she did oof get out of the way because she would make your day miserable. She now hates my guts because I finally stood up for myself and didn’t care if she had my back or not. I stood up and told her to screw off. I parted my hair how I wanted to, I talked to who I wanted to, and I wore hoop earrings all the time. I listened to music she would hate, I hung out with people that were not good for me, and oh yeah, I interested boys. I got guys attention and that realllyyy pissed her off. I had ex’s that actually wanted to be friends with me, I had guys come up and talk to me or even be my friend. She use to have to set everything up for us. I remember one time I dated a guy just because she said so. He was one of my good friends and I liked him and I told her so she… made the dates. But here’s the thing, when I finally figured out how to talk to guys without her help, I realized she was just this lonely girl who needed to have something in her control. If her life wasn’t going to be a perfect CW type show, she needed to make it one. I decided I wanted to wear hoop earrings and I wanted to talk to who ever I wanted to talk to. I realized I didn’t need her help because I was becoming who I was. I had friends that she didn’t like and that scared her because they were friends with futures. When I look back at my high school years I realized I wasted them in her shadow. I could have been an amazing person, I could have gone a little bit farther in my life if I didn’t waste my time making sure she was #1 on my Myspace friends and making sure her image looked good in all pictures. I wanted to be the girl on top and I think in college I finally was, but it wasn’t like her in high school, I just finally had a lot of friends who wanted to be with me and talk to me and I became someone I wanted to be.

Since a lot of high schooliers are entering the real world now, I find myself wishing I could go back to my first day of freshmen year. I find myself longing to be that shy girl who still believed in love and still had all her innocents. I find myself wishing to be the girl that still put hearts above her I’s when no one was looking. Writing notes in class to my best friends and my crushes and receiving notes in my locker or my back pack. Getting those messages on Myspace of “did you read my note?” and then having those butterflies trying to find and figure them all out. I really miss those days. But as Gossip Girl would say, “Don’t be fooled by everyone you meet, some of them aren’t always the best for you” or something like that. So I guess this is where I part my ways for now,

XOXO,

just a girl who is trying to figure things out…

Dear Future Me,

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Dear Future me, now I have done these letter types in high school/middle school before. Our English/Literature teacher says “It’ll be good to reflect on”. Well every time I read those letters… I laughed at what I thought I was going to turn out.

Right now, I am 27 heart broken, crying every night and day for the last three weeks or so. I sit in my bed watching shows mostly Greys Annotomy. But mostly… I just cry. I cry and I cry when I’m all alone. When I’m at work I have to hold it all together because I don’t want to show weakness.

Right now I am back living at home and working at a local town shop. (Which I love working but right now I’m going to go crazy from putting items on the new website.) I think about him every day and night, and I pray that one day we will figure us out.

I use to dance around the house, blast my music and love “love”. Now, I go for all my dark clothes I have in my closet, and want to curl up in bed and cry all the time. I use to have a routine when I lived with him. I would get up, I would say good morning to Alexa (like a crazy person), start my coffee, put on either a podcast, or a quick show on youtube on. I would make toast to go with my coffee and just slowly start my day. After my coffee I would put some make up on, or take a shower (depending on the day). I would round up all the dishes that were left upstairs and put them in the sink. I would either clean the whole kitchen or start some laundry and clean the upstairs. I would make the bed, and open windows if it was nice out. I would make sure the house was clean and perfect so when he got home we could just realex. I got use to my routine and now.. I’m lost with out it. I wake up and I have bad back pain again. When I sleep the neighbors shed light shines right into my room so I barely can sleep. (plus my anxiety and heart aces keep me up most the night). When I get up, either the radio or the t.v. is on blast because parents can barley hear anything anymore. I get ready for work and then I make my lunch for the day (if I feel like eating) and then my coffee and then I leave for work. If I’m off I just stay in bed as long as I possibly can. When I get off work I usually just want to crawl back into bed and sleep but mom makes me eat. I just feel like right now, I don’t have a reason to really be alive. Every time I see his name pop up on my phone… I still get those stupid butterflies. I still get happy, and all giddy to see it. I’m so pathetic in that way. I’m suppose to want to hate him, and want him to hurt, and all I wanna do is make sure he’s okay. That’s not normal. But I guess when you’ve been friends for so long you just… always care. People tell me I need to get over him, to move on, but how do you move on from someone that you’ve wanted for 14 years? You honestly don’t…

So dear future me… am I happy? Do we get over this mountain and get back together are am I broken forever? ( I know pathetic to say that but I don’t think I will every be myself again) I also know it’s pathetic for me to ask my future self like she’s going to answer me. But I pray that everything will turn out, that we will work it out, and that everything will be alright.

Being Happy

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What does it mean to be happy? Well, to society it means to be laughing, to be smiling, to be filled with glee. When you see a happy couple they are holding hands, laughing, smiling, having a great time. A group of kids? Just the same they are laughing, giggling, smiling.

For me; I’m my happiest when I make someone smile. When I make someone laugh, or when my heart feels full and happy. I was told I was the happiest baby, and the happiest child. I always thought of others before I thought of myself. I wanted to make sure that everyone was having a good time. I use to be my happiest with all my friends and loved ones all around me. But for right now, right now I am not strong enough for that… I have to fake all my laughs and smiles with my family and friends and at work. The only person I don’t fake when I smile… is him. Because seeing his smile, makes me smile… just a little bit.

Before all this happened to me, I use to be happy. Yes I would cry sometimes when I was alone, but I was still happy. I would blast my music, sing along to every song as loud as I could. I would paint what ever came to my mind! I would listen to the birds chirp in the morning as I drank my coffee and looked out the window. I was happy when I heard the garage door open and knew he would be walking through that door. Hell I was happy doing our laundry! I was happy. I knew that no matter what was going to happen, we were together, we had each other, and we could get through it.

Now I am not saying that I need him to be happy oh no no no! I did that once in my life. I relied on someone for my happiness and that was the most loneliest thing I could have ever done in my life. I constantly needed someone to be by me or talk to me because I didn’t know what to do with out that person in my life. It took months for me to realized that I was just alone, and that hit hard in the middle of the night… but with him… I just wanted to make sure he was happy! I didn’t care if I was hurting or I had a bad day, I dropped what I cared and wanted and made sure he was okay. I made sure the house was clean so when he got home he didn’t have to deal with that. I made sure that I washed and hung his work clothes to make sure he had a clean pair of pants and a clean shirt for work. I made lunches for him so he didn’t have to eat out. I know that all sounds so… sad, but really… I was really happy to do it for him. To help him out because he was helping me. And that’s what you do when you love someone and you’re in a relationship.. you help each other… you take care of each other. You don’t leave them. You make sure they are okay… even while I am away from him right now… I want nothing more than to make sure he is okay and he’s happy. Do I wish that I could be there? Do I wish I could help him and make sure he’s okay? Every single god damn second. But one day… one day soon I hope I can hold him and just help him get happy again…

Lost

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When you lose something it is lost. You go crazy over thinking you will never see it again. You trace every last step you ever took before you lost the thing. But right before you give up, the lost thing is found.

Recently I have lost something very close and very near to me. I have lost my soulmate. I know stupid. But I did. I know there is that stupid saying “if you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it’s meant to be”. But sayings are like I said; stupid.

Losing him has been the hardest thing since I lost my grandpa. Except my grandpa is cremated and scattered across my grandma’s grave I think. When I lost my soulmate I didn’t even know I was about to lose him. To me, it was just a normal day. The sun was shinning, I cleaned the house, and I just dyed my hair which surprisingly didn’t turn out the way I planned. But still, I wasn’t aware what was about to hit me. When he came home that day, I just figured he had a bad day at work. But then he said the words… and my whole world crashed all around me. I couldn’t breathe, I just… I cried. I didn’t know what to do. The one person that I have been crazy for for 14 years… just wanted me gone. Like I meant nothing to them. I became lost… because the one thing that kept me from going under, was missing… I couldn’t find him anymore. I wanted him to hold me and say this is all just a bad bad dream, but instead he left…

Will I ever find what I lost that day? Who knows. What I do know is that every night I cry myself to sleep because he isn’t there right next to me. Every morning I want to roll over and see his beautiful face, but instead I see my childhood walls. I perk up every time I see a notification from him. I still sense him when I wear his hoodie. When I hold on to the necklace he gave me it makes me feel safer… but to him… he’s lost somewhere… and I keep searching for him…. hoping one day I’ll be in those safe arms again…