hope – Huml's Blog

Dear Future me, now I have done these letter types in high school/middle school before. Our English/Literature teacher says “It’ll be good to reflect on”. Well every time I read those letters… I laughed at what I thought I was going to turn out.

Right now, I am 27 heart broken, crying every night and day for the last three weeks or so. I sit in my bed watching shows mostly Greys Annotomy. But mostly… I just cry. I cry and I cry when I’m all alone. When I’m at work I have to hold it all together because I don’t want to show weakness.

Right now I am back living at home and working at a local town shop. (Which I love working but right now I’m going to go crazy from putting items on the new website.) I think about him every day and night, and I pray that one day we will figure us out.

I use to dance around the house, blast my music and love “love”. Now, I go for all my dark clothes I have in my closet, and want to curl up in bed and cry all the time. I use to have a routine when I lived with him. I would get up, I would say good morning to Alexa (like a crazy person), start my coffee, put on either a podcast, or a quick show on youtube on. I would make toast to go with my coffee and just slowly start my day. After my coffee I would put some make up on, or take a shower (depending on the day). I would round up all the dishes that were left upstairs and put them in the sink. I would either clean the whole kitchen or start some laundry and clean the upstairs. I would make the bed, and open windows if it was nice out. I would make sure the house was clean and perfect so when he got home we could just realex. I got use to my routine and now.. I’m lost with out it. I wake up and I have bad back pain again. When I sleep the neighbors shed light shines right into my room so I barely can sleep. (plus my anxiety and heart aces keep me up most the night). When I get up, either the radio or the t.v. is on blast because parents can barley hear anything anymore. I get ready for work and then I make my lunch for the day (if I feel like eating) and then my coffee and then I leave for work. If I’m off I just stay in bed as long as I possibly can. When I get off work I usually just want to crawl back into bed and sleep but mom makes me eat. I just feel like right now, I don’t have a reason to really be alive. Every time I see his name pop up on my phone… I still get those stupid butterflies. I still get happy, and all giddy to see it. I’m so pathetic in that way. I’m suppose to want to hate him, and want him to hurt, and all I wanna do is make sure he’s okay. That’s not normal. But I guess when you’ve been friends for so long you just… always care. People tell me I need to get over him, to move on, but how do you move on from someone that you’ve wanted for 14 years? You honestly don’t…

So dear future me… am I happy? Do we get over this mountain and get back together are am I broken forever? ( I know pathetic to say that but I don’t think I will every be myself again) I also know it’s pathetic for me to ask my future self like she’s going to answer me. But I pray that everything will turn out, that we will work it out, and that everything will be alright.

When you lose something it is lost. You go crazy over thinking you will never see it again. You trace every last step you ever took before you lost the thing. But right before you give up, the lost thing is found.

Recently I have lost something very close and very near to me. I have lost my soulmate. I know stupid. But I did. I know there is that stupid saying “if you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it’s meant to be”. But sayings are like I said; stupid.

Losing him has been the hardest thing since I lost my grandpa. Except my grandpa is cremated and scattered across my grandma’s grave I think. When I lost my soulmate I didn’t even know I was about to lose him. To me, it was just a normal day. The sun was shinning, I cleaned the house, and I just dyed my hair which surprisingly didn’t turn out the way I planned. But still, I wasn’t aware what was about to hit me. When he came home that day, I just figured he had a bad day at work. But then he said the words… and my whole world crashed all around me. I couldn’t breathe, I just… I cried. I didn’t know what to do. The one person that I have been crazy for for 14 years… just wanted me gone. Like I meant nothing to them. I became lost… because the one thing that kept me from going under, was missing… I couldn’t find him anymore. I wanted him to hold me and say this is all just a bad bad dream, but instead he left…

Will I ever find what I lost that day? Who knows. What I do know is that every night I cry myself to sleep because he isn’t there right next to me. Every morning I want to roll over and see his beautiful face, but instead I see my childhood walls. I perk up every time I see a notification from him. I still sense him when I wear his hoodie. When I hold on to the necklace he gave me it makes me feel safer… but to him… he’s lost somewhere… and I keep searching for him…. hoping one day I’ll be in those safe arms again…

Tag: hope

Dear Future Me,

Lost