Dear Future me, now I have done these letter types in high school/middle school before. Our English/Literature teacher says “It’ll be good to reflect on”. Well every time I read those letters… I laughed at what I thought I was going to turn out.

Right now, I am 27 heart broken, crying every night and day for the last three weeks or so. I sit in my bed watching shows mostly Greys Annotomy. But mostly… I just cry. I cry and I cry when I’m all alone. When I’m at work I have to hold it all together because I don’t want to show weakness.

Right now I am back living at home and working at a local town shop. (Which I love working but right now I’m going to go crazy from putting items on the new website.) I think about him every day and night, and I pray that one day we will figure us out.

I use to dance around the house, blast my music and love “love”. Now, I go for all my dark clothes I have in my closet, and want to curl up in bed and cry all the time. I use to have a routine when I lived with him. I would get up, I would say good morning to Alexa (like a crazy person), start my coffee, put on either a podcast, or a quick show on youtube on. I would make toast to go with my coffee and just slowly start my day. After my coffee I would put some make up on, or take a shower (depending on the day). I would round up all the dishes that were left upstairs and put them in the sink. I would either clean the whole kitchen or start some laundry and clean the upstairs. I would make the bed, and open windows if it was nice out. I would make sure the house was clean and perfect so when he got home we could just realex. I got use to my routine and now.. I’m lost with out it. I wake up and I have bad back pain again. When I sleep the neighbors shed light shines right into my room so I barely can sleep. (plus my anxiety and heart aces keep me up most the night). When I get up, either the radio or the t.v. is on blast because parents can barley hear anything anymore. I get ready for work and then I make my lunch for the day (if I feel like eating) and then my coffee and then I leave for work. If I’m off I just stay in bed as long as I possibly can. When I get off work I usually just want to crawl back into bed and sleep but mom makes me eat. I just feel like right now, I don’t have a reason to really be alive. Every time I see his name pop up on my phone… I still get those stupid butterflies. I still get happy, and all giddy to see it. I’m so pathetic in that way. I’m suppose to want to hate him, and want him to hurt, and all I wanna do is make sure he’s okay. That’s not normal. But I guess when you’ve been friends for so long you just… always care. People tell me I need to get over him, to move on, but how do you move on from someone that you’ve wanted for 14 years? You honestly don’t…

So dear future me… am I happy? Do we get over this mountain and get back together are am I broken forever? ( I know pathetic to say that but I don’t think I will every be myself again) I also know it’s pathetic for me to ask my future self like she’s going to answer me. But I pray that everything will turn out, that we will work it out, and that everything will be alright.