What does it mean to be happy? Well, to society it means to be laughing, to be smiling, to be filled with glee. When you see a happy couple they are holding hands, laughing, smiling, having a great time. A group of kids? Just the same they are laughing, giggling, smiling.

For me; I’m my happiest when I make someone smile. When I make someone laugh, or when my heart feels full and happy. I was told I was the happiest baby, and the happiest child. I always thought of others before I thought of myself. I wanted to make sure that everyone was having a good time. I use to be my happiest with all my friends and loved ones all around me. But for right now, right now I am not strong enough for that… I have to fake all my laughs and smiles with my family and friends and at work. The only person I don’t fake when I smile… is him. Because seeing his smile, makes me smile… just a little bit.

Before all this happened to me, I use to be happy. Yes I would cry sometimes when I was alone, but I was still happy. I would blast my music, sing along to every song as loud as I could. I would paint what ever came to my mind! I would listen to the birds chirp in the morning as I drank my coffee and looked out the window. I was happy when I heard the garage door open and knew he would be walking through that door. Hell I was happy doing our laundry! I was happy. I knew that no matter what was going to happen, we were together, we had each other, and we could get through it.

Now I am not saying that I need him to be happy oh no no no! I did that once in my life. I relied on someone for my happiness and that was the most loneliest thing I could have ever done in my life. I constantly needed someone to be by me or talk to me because I didn’t know what to do with out that person in my life. It took months for me to realized that I was just alone, and that hit hard in the middle of the night… but with him… I just wanted to make sure he was happy! I didn’t care if I was hurting or I had a bad day, I dropped what I cared and wanted and made sure he was okay. I made sure the house was clean so when he got home he didn’t have to deal with that. I made sure that I washed and hung his work clothes to make sure he had a clean pair of pants and a clean shirt for work. I made lunches for him so he didn’t have to eat out. I know that all sounds so… sad, but really… I was really happy to do it for him. To help him out because he was helping me. And that’s what you do when you love someone and you’re in a relationship.. you help each other… you take care of each other. You don’t leave them. You make sure they are okay… even while I am away from him right now… I want nothing more than to make sure he is okay and he’s happy. Do I wish that I could be there? Do I wish I could help him and make sure he’s okay? Every single god damn second. But one day… one day soon I hope I can hold him and just help him get happy again…