Author: veronicaanne92

Lost

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When you lose something it is lost. You go crazy over thinking you will never see it again. You trace every last step you ever took before you lost the thing. But right before you give up, the lost thing is found.

Recently I have lost something very close and very near to me. I have lost my soulmate. I know stupid. But I did. I know there is that stupid saying “if you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it’s meant to be”. But sayings are like I said; stupid.

Losing him has been the hardest thing since I lost my grandpa. Except my grandpa is cremated and scattered across my grandma’s grave I think. When I lost my soulmate I didn’t even know I was about to lose him. To me, it was just a normal day. The sun was shinning, I cleaned the house, and I just dyed my hair which surprisingly didn’t turn out the way I planned. But still, I wasn’t aware what was about to hit me. When he came home that day, I just figured he had a bad day at work. But then he said the words… and my whole world crashed all around me. I couldn’t breathe, I just… I cried. I didn’t know what to do. The one person that I have been crazy for for 14 years… just wanted me gone. Like I meant nothing to them. I became lost… because the one thing that kept me from going under, was missing… I couldn’t find him anymore. I wanted him to hold me and say this is all just a bad bad dream, but instead he left…

Will I ever find what I lost that day? Who knows. What I do know is that every night I cry myself to sleep because he isn’t there right next to me. Every morning I want to roll over and see his beautiful face, but instead I see my childhood walls. I perk up every time I see a notification from him. I still sense him when I wear his hoodie. When I hold on to the necklace he gave me it makes me feel safer… but to him… he’s lost somewhere… and I keep searching for him…. hoping one day I’ll be in those safe arms again…

Small Town “Beauty”

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You look at my town, you’ll see what everyone else sees. Lake Houses, cute small town shops, and a beautiful lake. But what they don’t see is what all the locals see, tourist ruining our town. We use to have a beautiful arcade down town that my friends and I would go to on the weekends or even take my dad there. It felt like a safe place for us kids to hang out because usually all the parks were being replaced with either banks or big useless companies that would just end up going bankrupt. Back to the arcade though, the adults decided to sell the building and put in a huge tourist tshirt shop and a stupid frozen yogurt shop that this town does not need, we have Yogueez which is actually good. But our town was taking away any sign that there are teens in this town and make it look like an old time old people’s town if that makes sense.

When I went to college we had to do those stupid go around the room and tell us about yourself. I always said the same things; my name, where I am from, and my graduation class (roughly 300). The things we had to say was usually where you from, what your graduating class was or the school you went to, and who you were. The responds when I said my towns name was always the same. “You must be rich!” “Oh my god the masons are beautiful!” “Do you live on the lake?” And looking at me from the outside you would think I was one of those girls who had it all. But look closer, my towns reputation relied on maybe 30% of those masons are from the boarder people. 10% is actual town people (unfortunately some of my family) but the rest of the town is average people.

Now when I walk through the town, or drive through it, I feel like its not my town anymore. I walk into a bar or a restaurant or even my job, we are just all faking smiles to be nice to the rich annoying out of townees that try and run our town. I use to work at a big resort where we would have to smile at every horrible guest that would throw everything nasty words to us. I have been told so many nice things, like I should just go kill myself, because I couldn’t refund a third party card. But of course I just smiled my smile and apologized. These out of state people some are great! Some are horrible! But what really sucks is that they think they run our small little town. I feel bad for any nice tourist who just wants a nice vacation, and has to deal with what our town brings in.

Now I am not saying that our town is a horrible place to visit, its beautiful town to visit! But just don’t hate on the locals, we just have to deal with all the bad things that others have said to us. So if you visit, say please and thank you, use turn signals, look when you cross the street, oh and have nice things to say if we mess up something of yours.

Those Dark times

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Like I warned you in the beginning there are dark things that fall into my head.

It’s Friday night and normally I would be back at his house where I lived for a couple months and we would be having either date night or movie night. But instead this is the second Friday that I am in my old childhood room and alone in the world. He has his online friends and I have my teddy bear and YouTube videos. But this is the second week that I am home and it just doesn’t feel real to me. I keep waiting for the call saying come home please. I fear I will never hear it again, that I will never have him in my arms, and that I will never have his good night kisses. Tomorrow is another weekend with out his special crescent rolls with chocolate chips in it and bacon. My life is crumbling all around me and it seems like I am the only one that is hurting from everything that is going on.

Don’t get me wrong, I know that things have to change and get better between us. That if things go back to how they were before that we will never work out, but all I want is him… and I break my heart all over again just thinking about it. He has been in my life for 14 some years and its kind of just hard to just picture him not there anymore. I have gone through breakups where the guy was my best friend and then we date and then he breaks it up and I hurt. But this hurt.. this hurt is all different. It is deep, it makes me feel so little in this big world. My chest is heavy and its hard to breath some times. There are times when I just want to punish everyone who has done me wrong, and I want to show them that I am worth it, but I am to good of a person to just hurt the ones I care about and love. So I sit, I pray and I wish that things get better. I think its the first time in forever that I don’t want to chug a bottle of wine to numb the pain I hold inside. To me… that’s growth.

I use to have people that would spend hours and hours talking to me, that would do anything to make me smile! Give me gifts, spend hours on the phone with me, send me long text messages about how the feel about me. But with him, I just looked into his eyes and I knew… money and gifts can’t buy happiness, being there for each other and caring about one another… that brings happiness. I just wish I knew what I did wrong…

Memories

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I know it is not just me that is going through some tough times right now, and I am not talking about the virus that is going on right now. For me, my whole world just did a 180 turn, and I went from falling asleep next to the love of my life to falling asleep in my childhood bedroom. Now the whole why part… that is a mystery still unknown to me. All I do know is the LOML (love of my life) had a lot on his plate and put the stress of me being laid off and this virus not letting us go outside or places to escape things… he needed to IDK freak? Make drastic changes? Now don’t get me wrong we were just doing a sit com kind of same routine every day. But now that I am back in my old bedroom which means the memories come back like that Karen customer that just needs a hug from a father figure.

About four years ago, I made a drastic decision and I painted and redecorated my room. Growing up, my mom had one rule for our bedrooms, well actually two; 1. NO BOYS 2. No hanging things on the wall with out permission. I technically broke both those rules but my sister is the one who really broke the first rule. So when my sister moved out and I got to move into her room… I did one of those things that any normal girl would do. I put every photo I had of Orlando Bloom and Robert Pattinson and every kind of happy photos. Oh, and balloons! (Still to this day, I don’t know why my sister and I were so obsessed with hanging balloons.. and those frame things you can win at fairs.) Every inch of my bedroom wall was covered with memories and things that help me not feel so alone in the world.

(Actual photo of my room back in the day)

Now yes my mom hated that I did that, she was so upset but after I came home from college, I just knew it was time for an upgrade. So like any normal teenage would do, I texted my ex boyfriend told him what I wanted to do, and he helped get the supplies for me and then when my parents went on a trip to see my sister n her family for like a month or two, I took everything out of my room, and got to work. I painted over the walls that held the darkest times in my life, the happiest times in my life and the sadiest time of my life.

But now that I am back in the room that I tried so hard to get away from, every sad memory comes back. Now not just the high school memories, but everything after that. Every mirror selfie I took and how many people loved them. Every time I cried myself to sleep because of a boy. hell even now, I cry because of my LOML and the confusing time in our life right now.

I know that this is just a bump in the road but… unpacking my stuff back in the drawers that I couldn’t wait to empty it kind of hurts. Yes there are happy memories in my room but honestly… if these four walls could talk… oh boy would they have things to say! But that’s for a different time! For now, it’s time to lay down in my bed and remember all the memories and try to fall asleep.

Why I am Blogging

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It doesn’t matter if you are a young teenager or an old soul, at one time you had a diary/journal. And in that diary/journal you wrote everything you ever felt at that moment. For me… I had many many MANY diaries. I was an active diary writer, if something happened in my life, it is most likely in my diary.

(Disclamer: Photo not mine. Got off Tumblr :https://annaelenaa.tumblr.com/post/112213313434/journaling-master-post )

Now, I just usually type out what I feel on my iPhone, or keep it all inside until it boils over and I let go. I still have many notebooks that I use to write my feelings out, but it usually ends with me ripping up the pages and throwing them away or burning them. (I recommend you NOT to burn things without supervision) But by starting this blog I figured I can get the little stories I have in my head, the words that need to come out but I am to scared to have them come out.. all come out!

That being all said; this blog is going to be almost a look at what is going on inside my head. Now it is not going to be all rainbows and butterflies, my mind is a dark place sometimes. I apologize if I ever hurt someones feelings, or I scare people with what I say, but I am here to say; I am alive today because I got help. Now not in a psch ward kind of help, but I had caring people in my life that listened and parents who “tough love” loved me and got me therapy. So once again, if there is something on here that is scary or dark, just know that I have had these in my head for a long time and just didn’t know how to get them out.