Author: veronicaanne92

Dear Past Me

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Dear past me, to answer your question bluntly, Yes. We are happy and we got over that mountain and guess what?! We are getting married to him!

It is crazy to think that I wrote all these back when I was in a dark dark place. I was 27 (going on 30 here any day now) and I just had my world turned all over the place with a guy that I was dating for most of my 20’s.

What is even crazier to think is that when I typed that all out, I was 27 years old… and that 2020 was just happening. I know I stated how Covid was going around and we were wearing masks and it was a shit show… well, it got worst. I caught Covid… twice. The first time sucked a**. I lost my smell, taste, and appetite due to it. I caught it from dad who caught it from his work. During the first time getting it, I was at my new job at a Real Estate place and we were just transforming into a new company. Through it all, he was there for me and was waiting for me. It’s crazy what the two-ish years brought!

In the beginning of 2021, we had to put down our sweet family cat that has been part of my life for maybe 16 some years?! It hurt but I got through it. Then we went and saw my sister who I haven’t seen in like 8 years, and it was so nice to catch up. When we got back, we got two kitties. I love them dearly! But after getting Covid the first time, after Thanksgiving literally on black Friday, I got to move back in with him. Everything was better, and become real!

Flash forward to June 22, 2022, and he asked me to marry him, which of course in my fashion, I was buzzed so I couldn’t cry, but I said yes. Now we are planning our wedding and everything still doesn’t feel real, but it is soooo nice to finally be here after all we went through. All the stress and no sleep I went through. The endless hours of lying awake thinking how can I go on?

So past me, it got better. It got much better. I am happy and healthy and just can’t wait to spend forever with him.

Thank you for being there for me blog… you have helped me through so much!

Happy Birthday!

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It’s your mom making a home made birthday cake, it’s your dad’s off tune singing, it’s unwrapping gifts and giggling with friends. The home made movies that you find that you smile at. Those are the memories I wish I had for my birthdays.

For the first 10 yrs of my life my birthdays were like that, the house filled with family and friends. Mom’s home made lemon filled cake. Some home made videos, but mostly pictures. Then after my 11th birthday I kind of didn’t want to make a big deal. I just went about my day pretending to be happy and stuff but all I wanted was to curl in bed and pray to god that my birth parents would show up.

That’s the thing about being adopted. No matter how much you love the family you have, when your birthday comes, well at least for me, it’s just a reminder that my real mom and dad didn’t want me and that’s why I’m so alone in the world. This year especially. I’m not with someone who I want to spend my life with, I have to work, and well its 2020… the year sucks. I wish I could go back in time to when I was younger and I at least had family and friends make a huge deal about it.

I just don’t want tomorrow to come… I fake being happy enough… I can’t dare not be happy on my birthday…

Hello there, Dearie,

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It has been such a long time since I have “written” and since then I will admit… my life has been doing better. I won’t say all the way better since I am still sitting in my childhood bedroom praying for a way out, but it’s better as in I get to kiss him and I pray one day he will be mine again. But till then, I’ll give you a little update on life.

Let’s start at the top, the virus, still sucks like always. I won’t say it hasn’t done damaged to the store I work at but I will say that sales are… well different. I could sale a mask to you with in seconds of you looking at them. You want one that has adjustable ears and the metal on the nose, how about this you can also put a filter in them, go for Puppie Love brand masks. Vera Bradely is very light and loose on the face can put a filter in it as well, but the nose and ears aren’t so adjustable. But don’t let that stop you dear, they have cute designs. You want one that shows off your football team, we got you covered there too. But just to be clear no filter will go in them.

Yes, I would say business has been different. We sell more masks, baby stuff, and wedding gifts than we do normal stuff. But these are normal times. I think I worry more about what kind of stuff is going to happen in the next 5 minutes than what happens in the future. I also think I have drank more alcohol than I probably have in college… well actually no… probably more than I have after college after being left on read. Oh talking about that, guess who decided to finally message me 3 years later. But thats for different time when I finally unravel all my ex’s. For right now… lets stick with the positive.

I have gotten almost two raises in the first two months that I’ve worked at my new job and that says more than I have at the old job I had that which… is going under unfortunately. I feel bad for all my old coworkers that I loved so dearly which is at the moment only two. One who is someone I call my best friend, and the other actually no they are both my best friends. Work days are getting tough since the Holiday Season is upon us and all I want is to be back home but I can’t right now till he really wants me home but for now I am just hoping by Christmas I’m curled up in his lap and looking at our Christmas Tree together. Otherwise I am definitely taking my Tree home/to the shed because I can’t handle this.

But I am back with the writing/typing stuff for now just because this is how I get my thoughts clear out of my head and out where I can see it. To those who read it, Hello, welcome back, to those who just scan it Welcome to the end of my ted talk.

They don’t really care.

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(This is MY side of how I feel about this situation. Please do not argue with me or talk down on me for what I say.)

I got told that when you are little, barely even born to figure out the world, you body recognizes your parents touch… it recognizes when it never touches it. Your body remembers that pain, and that hurt. Now I know this doesn’t make a lot of sense because for a lot of you… you have your birth parents. You had that first touch, that first “I’ll never let anything bad happen to you” kiss from your mom. For me… I was adopted.

My birth mom knew the moment I was in her stomach, that she didn’t/couldn’t have me. So for 9 months I was a burden to her. I was just a reminder of something that happened to her that she could take back but can’t. She didn’t abort me which means she had a little bit of a soul/heart in her. But for 9 months I was the one thing she didn’t want.

Growing up every year on my birthday all I wanted was to have my birth parents call me and explain why they did what they did to me. But I never got it. Growing up I never really got held by my adoptive mother, who did have a lot of health problems but she was more of a hard love type mother less hug and kisses mother. So you can see how that can fuck up a child when she becomes an adult and don’t know how to take hugs n kisses. My sister was 9 years older than me and didn’t really like me once i started talking I guess, she always made me feel unwanted and every time I tried to show how much I loved her and wanted to be with her, she pushed me away. I don’t have those great bonding moments with her like everyone else does with their siblings. I think it’s because we aren’t blood related. Growing up where my room was my escape and my stuffed animals were my only friends, I learned at a young age that I wasn’t really welcomed in this messed up world.

I fight every day to fight the urge to just give up living, but I realize that one day… I’m going to give up; and no one will really care.

Say Yes,

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Every girl dreams of the day they get asked that important question in life. Every girl dreams it will be romantic and everything they wished. But in my experience, it has happened twice before I hit 21 and none of them were romantic.

The first time I got asked “Will you marry me” I was a sophomore in high school and I was dating that bad boy from your since class. You know, the one who was emo and hot and maybe was going to be in class that day. The one you wore eyeliner for and made sure you stayed up and listened to all his favorite bands that he names on his Myspace page. (wow I just dated myself there). That was; lets call him for irony, bad boy. Bad boy was a year older than me, had a messed up family life, but played the cello in our school orchestra so I had an in on my parents with him. Of course when we first met it was in science class and I was just a pathetic girl who fell for that bad boy look but the way I won his attention wasn’t my appearance, I believe it was me dissecting a frog with no gloves and having a pathetic popular boy wear about 12 gloves and faint when I cut the poor frog open. The bad boy first was boycotting cutting open the frog I think, but I remember him throwing a tongue at me later. We became friends and then later I was on his top 5 Myspace best friends and then later we were making out on my locker. I know a lot of people will think “you did this to piss off your parents” oh on the contrare. I broke up with him because my mom didn’t like him. Then acouple weeks later I found out a friend of mine was going after him and I just couldn’t have that and I confessed my feelings and well we started seeing each other in secrete. The friend I’m going to call her Ice Cream Body because well, she reminds me of an Ice Cream cone, well she threaten to tell my parents but what she didn’t know was my parents thought I moved on with a good church going guy so they didn’t believe her or her “proof”. The night he asked me to marry him was like any other day. It was in the fall, and my high school best friend was over for the night after play practice and we were going to go downtown and meet the boys at McDonalds. We had an amazing time and then we went to the park near my house and I should have figured something was up because bad boy and I were left on the swings along and all I kind of remember was him asking “do you know what I have been playing with this ring all night” and the high school me played dumb but I figured it was coming the second I saw it on him. Then he asked me to spend the rest of my life with him. I said yes and wore the ring for months until I came to my senses and said “I can’t marry a guy that I’m hiding from my family”. To this day bad boy is still on my Facebook friend list but we aren’t as close as we use to be in high school.

Now the second time I got the question popped to me, was a very scary part in my life. I don’t remember much about it I just remember I knew if I said no, he would hit me. The next guy I think I want to call him oh I don’t even know he was so bad… child I guess is a good name for him or atleast a decent name for him. He was again a year older than me and he was in my math class when I was a freshmen in high school… I guess he crushed on me since then and I ignored his prescense till Senior year when I was just… messed up I guess. I was going through so much with my first love break up that I just wanted to feel something. Child and I’s relationship can be described as horrible, manipulative, abuse. He had to make sure that I wouldn’t leave him and if I did he would make my life hell. We fought so much, and he would call me all the names in the book one day, the next he would buy me gifts and apologize and love me. I was so broken and really had no friends that I just went with it. I listened to him, I took the abuse, and I believed that I was happy with who I saw in the mirror. I didn’t talk to my friends at all, I only talked to his friends and his family. I lied to my parents about who I was hanging out with and where I was staying all the time. I lied constantly to myself that I could even love him. The night he proposed I think we were drinking, or something or maybe it was just a good week and I didn’t want to jinx it and make him made. He asked me one night when we were falling asleep and I knew if I said no that I would be trapped in his house, in his bedroom and I might not make it to my parents house again so I said yes just to escape. Even when I moved to college and gave him the ring back thinking that he would have no power over me when I moved away, I had no idea that he would still have all the power over me. He made sure that I knew that he would always take care of me, that he loved me. He would call me when he knew I had a test or a huge project and keep me up by having him or his friends call me constantly. He made sure that he would post old photos of us and make sure he tagged me in them. I was always his love and when I came home from college and finally got my own car my twisted head I had to show him first. To say that he still doesn’t have a hold over me would be a lie, but I do know he does not have a say in my life.

The next time I say “yes” to someone I want to make sure I am ready. I want to make sure he is not doing it to control my life and I want to make sure I am doing it because I am happy and not to piss off people in my life. I know there is one person in my life right now that if he asked me tomorrow I would say yes because he makes me happy. I just want to make sure that its all for the right reasons that I say yes.

XOXO,

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If you heard that one little girly voice in your head go “gossip girl” after reading XOXO then I am glad I got your attention.

Sometimes people come and go in your life and even if you hate to see it happen you know it happens. When I was in high school it was nothing like Gossip Girl, it was more like… One Tree Hill and Laguena Beach. I use to be part of a huge friend group, but one girl ruled us all. She made sure that she had a say in what others did and what others wore and who they dated. You would think she was the best friend of all but if you dare wore hoop earrings and parted your hair like she did oof get out of the way because she would make your day miserable. She now hates my guts because I finally stood up for myself and didn’t care if she had my back or not. I stood up and told her to screw off. I parted my hair how I wanted to, I talked to who I wanted to, and I wore hoop earrings all the time. I listened to music she would hate, I hung out with people that were not good for me, and oh yeah, I interested boys. I got guys attention and that realllyyy pissed her off. I had ex’s that actually wanted to be friends with me, I had guys come up and talk to me or even be my friend. She use to have to set everything up for us. I remember one time I dated a guy just because she said so. He was one of my good friends and I liked him and I told her so she… made the dates. But here’s the thing, when I finally figured out how to talk to guys without her help, I realized she was just this lonely girl who needed to have something in her control. If her life wasn’t going to be a perfect CW type show, she needed to make it one. I decided I wanted to wear hoop earrings and I wanted to talk to who ever I wanted to talk to. I realized I didn’t need her help because I was becoming who I was. I had friends that she didn’t like and that scared her because they were friends with futures. When I look back at my high school years I realized I wasted them in her shadow. I could have been an amazing person, I could have gone a little bit farther in my life if I didn’t waste my time making sure she was #1 on my Myspace friends and making sure her image looked good in all pictures. I wanted to be the girl on top and I think in college I finally was, but it wasn’t like her in high school, I just finally had a lot of friends who wanted to be with me and talk to me and I became someone I wanted to be.

Since a lot of high schooliers are entering the real world now, I find myself wishing I could go back to my first day of freshmen year. I find myself longing to be that shy girl who still believed in love and still had all her innocents. I find myself wishing to be the girl that still put hearts above her I’s when no one was looking. Writing notes in class to my best friends and my crushes and receiving notes in my locker or my back pack. Getting those messages on Myspace of “did you read my note?” and then having those butterflies trying to find and figure them all out. I really miss those days. But as Gossip Girl would say, “Don’t be fooled by everyone you meet, some of them aren’t always the best for you” or something like that. So I guess this is where I part my ways for now,

XOXO,

just a girl who is trying to figure things out…

Dear Future Me,

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Dear Future me, now I have done these letter types in high school/middle school before. Our English/Literature teacher says “It’ll be good to reflect on”. Well every time I read those letters… I laughed at what I thought I was going to turn out.

Right now, I am 27 heart broken, crying every night and day for the last three weeks or so. I sit in my bed watching shows mostly Greys Annotomy. But mostly… I just cry. I cry and I cry when I’m all alone. When I’m at work I have to hold it all together because I don’t want to show weakness.

Right now I am back living at home and working at a local town shop. (Which I love working but right now I’m going to go crazy from putting items on the new website.) I think about him every day and night, and I pray that one day we will figure us out.

I use to dance around the house, blast my music and love “love”. Now, I go for all my dark clothes I have in my closet, and want to curl up in bed and cry all the time. I use to have a routine when I lived with him. I would get up, I would say good morning to Alexa (like a crazy person), start my coffee, put on either a podcast, or a quick show on youtube on. I would make toast to go with my coffee and just slowly start my day. After my coffee I would put some make up on, or take a shower (depending on the day). I would round up all the dishes that were left upstairs and put them in the sink. I would either clean the whole kitchen or start some laundry and clean the upstairs. I would make the bed, and open windows if it was nice out. I would make sure the house was clean and perfect so when he got home we could just realex. I got use to my routine and now.. I’m lost with out it. I wake up and I have bad back pain again. When I sleep the neighbors shed light shines right into my room so I barely can sleep. (plus my anxiety and heart aces keep me up most the night). When I get up, either the radio or the t.v. is on blast because parents can barley hear anything anymore. I get ready for work and then I make my lunch for the day (if I feel like eating) and then my coffee and then I leave for work. If I’m off I just stay in bed as long as I possibly can. When I get off work I usually just want to crawl back into bed and sleep but mom makes me eat. I just feel like right now, I don’t have a reason to really be alive. Every time I see his name pop up on my phone… I still get those stupid butterflies. I still get happy, and all giddy to see it. I’m so pathetic in that way. I’m suppose to want to hate him, and want him to hurt, and all I wanna do is make sure he’s okay. That’s not normal. But I guess when you’ve been friends for so long you just… always care. People tell me I need to get over him, to move on, but how do you move on from someone that you’ve wanted for 14 years? You honestly don’t…

So dear future me… am I happy? Do we get over this mountain and get back together are am I broken forever? ( I know pathetic to say that but I don’t think I will every be myself again) I also know it’s pathetic for me to ask my future self like she’s going to answer me. But I pray that everything will turn out, that we will work it out, and that everything will be alright.

Being Happy

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What does it mean to be happy? Well, to society it means to be laughing, to be smiling, to be filled with glee. When you see a happy couple they are holding hands, laughing, smiling, having a great time. A group of kids? Just the same they are laughing, giggling, smiling.

For me; I’m my happiest when I make someone smile. When I make someone laugh, or when my heart feels full and happy. I was told I was the happiest baby, and the happiest child. I always thought of others before I thought of myself. I wanted to make sure that everyone was having a good time. I use to be my happiest with all my friends and loved ones all around me. But for right now, right now I am not strong enough for that… I have to fake all my laughs and smiles with my family and friends and at work. The only person I don’t fake when I smile… is him. Because seeing his smile, makes me smile… just a little bit.

Before all this happened to me, I use to be happy. Yes I would cry sometimes when I was alone, but I was still happy. I would blast my music, sing along to every song as loud as I could. I would paint what ever came to my mind! I would listen to the birds chirp in the morning as I drank my coffee and looked out the window. I was happy when I heard the garage door open and knew he would be walking through that door. Hell I was happy doing our laundry! I was happy. I knew that no matter what was going to happen, we were together, we had each other, and we could get through it.

Now I am not saying that I need him to be happy oh no no no! I did that once in my life. I relied on someone for my happiness and that was the most loneliest thing I could have ever done in my life. I constantly needed someone to be by me or talk to me because I didn’t know what to do with out that person in my life. It took months for me to realized that I was just alone, and that hit hard in the middle of the night… but with him… I just wanted to make sure he was happy! I didn’t care if I was hurting or I had a bad day, I dropped what I cared and wanted and made sure he was okay. I made sure the house was clean so when he got home he didn’t have to deal with that. I made sure that I washed and hung his work clothes to make sure he had a clean pair of pants and a clean shirt for work. I made lunches for him so he didn’t have to eat out. I know that all sounds so… sad, but really… I was really happy to do it for him. To help him out because he was helping me. And that’s what you do when you love someone and you’re in a relationship.. you help each other… you take care of each other. You don’t leave them. You make sure they are okay… even while I am away from him right now… I want nothing more than to make sure he is okay and he’s happy. Do I wish that I could be there? Do I wish I could help him and make sure he’s okay? Every single god damn second. But one day… one day soon I hope I can hold him and just help him get happy again…

Things I need to Change

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WARNING!!! THIS GETS PERSONAL!

There are things that everyone needs to do in their life… there are a lot of things that people need to change about themselves. But here’s there the thing, you don’t want to change yourself so much that you don’t recognized yourself in the mirror, but you want to change so you see a better you in the mirror.

For me there are many things I need to change. For starters:

  • I need to be more body positive
  • I need to be more optimistic and positive thinking
  • I need to believe in myself more
  • I need to be more happy with who I am

Now recently I have realized and been told that I have some other bad traits that I need to change about myself. And I just want to be clear, I am not putting these on a blog/web to just get attention or to just say I’m going to change and then don’t. I am putting these out here because I need to type/say it out loud for me to really realize what my flaws are, and what I really need to change. So here are the more deeper things that I need to change:

  • Trusting someone
  • Not letting people mess with my head
    • to affect my behavior
    • to affect how I am around other people
  • To not let things get the best of me
    • to be able to talk and not get emotional about what is being said
    • to be able to just say whats on my mind and try not to hurt the other but not worry about hurting them because I don’t want to be hurt.
  • To not be so jealous when there is clearly nothing to be jealous for
    • to not read between lines
    • to trust who I am with
    • to believe in my gut feelings and not trust what my eyes see

Now that list is the hardest for me to talk about or really even go into detail because I was raised to just sit and listen and then change to make that person, that boss, that significant other, that friend to like you… and that is for another time/blog. But I am one of those people that just… care all the time about what others have to either say about me, or what they think about me. I just want to belong because I have spent to much of my life trying to be this like able person instead of being me. But I mean like for a short period of time I was a person I didn’t even recognize in the mirror. I just wanted all the attention and if I didn’t have it I was miserable. More on that in a different blog, but this is about how I want to change and become a stronger better person. Because I am trying to not just show others, but prove to myself that I am not that pathetic girl anymore. I am not that sad depressed girl anymore. I don’t need a person to make me happy. (Do they help, yes. But I do not rely on my friends or significant others for my happiness. Again more of that later). I just want to be a better person for myself, and not for someone else. There are traits that I have just gained from toxic friendships/relationships, there are traits that I picked up from I guess myself over the years. I just want to be a better person to look at in the mirror at the end of the day. I don’t want to look back in the mirror at the end of the day and realized I was someone I don’t know, or that I said something that I regret. I want to live my life to the fullest and just be able to have fun and just share my happiness and love with everyone else. I don’t want to be this scared, anxious, depressed girl. It is not who I am.

Irish Green

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You read the title, you’re expecting some kind of story about how Ireland. Well sorry to burst your bubble but it is about my favorite color!

Irish green or Irish flag green is a shade of spring green. Sometimes called shamrock green, it’s slightly greener with less blue tones than the color named shamrock green. It’s the green of the Irish flag. The national flag of the Republic of Ireland is a tricolor flag of green, white and orange.

Now I am not saying that I have always loved Irish Green as my favorite color, because looking back at my childhood and a good portion of middle school, I was a Baby Blue Sky kind of girl. (Yes, a typical girly color) But then when my grandpa started living with us during the summer after my grams passed away, I started liking Irish Green. It meant to me that I was closer to my grandpa when he was down in Tennessee with my Aunt and Uncle for the fall & winter time. He would tell me stories of Ireland, he would take me to the local Irish store in our town (still there! But sadly tourist have made them turn it a little more into a tourist type shop) and I got necklaces with Celtic symbols, and he would get his soft Irish sweaters from there! In August we would go to Irish Fest in Milwaukee and for once in my depressed middle school/high school years, I was happy. Grandpa would sit in a tent and watch performer after performer on the stage. I use to just want to go around by myself or with my cousin and just kind of do my own thing or sit by the water. But when I was older in High School, we use to watch the Irish Dancers, and try and dance along. Grandpa would clap and tell us we were doing great! We would go through the shops and look at all the different clothing, accessories, books, lifestyle in general! I started getting obsessed with the darker green, because I would see it and I would instantly think of grandpa and all the good times we had together. To this day I miss him dearly and wish he was here. I have an Celtic Angle in my car that watches over me and when ever I miss him or hope he hears me, I hold it.

I know this won’t be a popular blog, but hey, it’s my blog and I miss my grandpa a lot extra lately so I’m going to type something that makes me think of him. RIP Grandpa, I love you and miss you each day more and more. I’ll see you soon, one day!