Like I warned you in the beginning there are dark things that fall into my head.
It’s Friday night and normally I would be back at his house where I lived for a couple months and we would be having either date night or movie night. But instead this is the second Friday that I am in my old childhood room and alone in the world. He has his online friends and I have my teddy bear and YouTube videos. But this is the second week that I am home and it just doesn’t feel real to me. I keep waiting for the call saying come home please. I fear I will never hear it again, that I will never have him in my arms, and that I will never have his good night kisses. Tomorrow is another weekend with out his special crescent rolls with chocolate chips in it and bacon. My life is crumbling all around me and it seems like I am the only one that is hurting from everything that is going on.
Don’t get me wrong, I know that things have to change and get better between us. That if things go back to how they were before that we will never work out, but all I want is him… and I break my heart all over again just thinking about it. He has been in my life for 14 some years and its kind of just hard to just picture him not there anymore. I have gone through breakups where the guy was my best friend and then we date and then he breaks it up and I hurt. But this hurt.. this hurt is all different. It is deep, it makes me feel so little in this big world. My chest is heavy and its hard to breath some times. There are times when I just want to punish everyone who has done me wrong, and I want to show them that I am worth it, but I am to good of a person to just hurt the ones I care about and love. So I sit, I pray and I wish that things get better. I think its the first time in forever that I don’t want to chug a bottle of wine to numb the pain I hold inside. To me… that’s growth.
I use to have people that would spend hours and hours talking to me, that would do anything to make me smile! Give me gifts, spend hours on the phone with me, send me long text messages about how the feel about me. But with him, I just looked into his eyes and I knew… money and gifts can’t buy happiness, being there for each other and caring about one another… that brings happiness. I just wish I knew what I did wrong…
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